Not Fun Anymore

There was a time when I was so confident with myself, so certain of everything, so very carefree that I breeze through everything. Yeah, at that time, studies was a piece of cake. I can memorize stuff in a jiffy without the fear of my mind going blank when I reach the exam hall. And I always get them right. That’s the kind of confidence that I gravely need nowadays.

If I were superstitious enough, I would’ve think of it as my luck is turning around, to the worst. However, being the very sensible and staunch believer that everything can be explained by simple science and logic, the reason why I’m in such dire a state, is attributed to the fact that I’m bloody lazy, have no foresight and the lackadaisical attitude that I carry these days.

I think I’m such a baby that I need my parents’ constant nagging to spur me on. And to think that I’ve always retaliated with ‘but I’m already 20, I know what I’m doing’. Yeah, right. If I knew what I was doing, I wouldn’t always screw up now, would I?

Nowadays, I wouldn’t even emo if I got only a little bit over the passing mark. I don’t care enough. I wish I’d cared and at least do something about it. I used to make up punishments for myself if I score badly although they were rarely meted out. Nowadays, I just go ‘cukup makan la…….not bad’. See the difference? Think me crazy for all I care, but I NEED some motivation here.

It’s the attitude. I hate it. It’s hard to change….

*so you put on a small voice, and ask timidly*

‘But are you ever going to change?’

*…..and after 5 seconds, a voice booms all over, rays of light slicing through them fluffy clouds*

‘That depends………that…… depends……..’

‘……on what, I don’t know.’

Oh, you don’t know how ‘dire’ a state I’m in?

Well, to start off, there’s this subject called numec which I totally phael at. Then another subject, circuits, which is supposed to be bloody easy but I don’t see it as that. At all. Then if I don’t score good enough this semester, I risk the wrath of my parents and in turn, that will get my car repossessed, by them, of course. And, another thing is that, I’m in this field where they actually favour guys, so, if I don’t do well enough I might as well throw my scroll into the dump and go sell burger. Oh wait, even then, I don’t see many females flipping burger patties by the roadside.

Now, you know.