Not Fun Anymore

I’m bored, no joke. It’s about a month ’til my 21st birthday comes and I’m thinking, maybe I should change. I’ve been a tyke all my life. Selfish, demanding, abhorrently lazy and arrogant. Yes, I think that’s all of my flaws, lest you want to also include my smart mouth and insensitivity(bluntness) to this potent brew. Can’t blame it on my upbringing (Ahem, hint: parents) for all these child-like traits. It’s in me, I’ve never grown up and I’ve never wanted to grow up. Thank God for my lovely parents who didn’t ditch me when they realized I was a difficult 3 year old to bring up(that’s the age when I started doing the wailing-helicopter-on-the-floor thing, which my parents enjoy retelling every once in a while). But the way my parents brought me up, I think I’m supposed to turn out better than what currently is me.

The thing is, it’s great being a child, of someone. You can cower under the mighty wings of your parents come any danger or when you need pocket money(obviously the wings were a metaphor). But someday, you might grow so big that the tiny space the wing can cover will not fit you in anymore. Or, your parents are just sick and tired of your sucking away all of their life-strength.

Sometimes, I regret having said some things. Regret not phrasing it right, regret that I shouldn’t have to be so harsh while saying them. Not only to my parents, it applies globally(a very science-ppl term). I’ve tried to keep my mouth shut so as to not spew anything nasty from my mouth. But it just won’t work. My mind is inherently evil, my tongue, its sidekick.

It must take great will to stop a reflex, something that’s planted in you, a reaction without thought. Eventually, the question of ‘why am I doing this?’ will come up. This is not you, not who you’re comfortable being, you would continue. Are you trying to fit in? Are you trying to prove something, to yourself? To others? Are you going to stay this way forever? Do the people around notice these changes? And ultimately, is this for the better?

Frankly, I’ve never stuck around long enough until the forth level. That is, I’ve only asked myself if I’m trying to prove a point. Because I’m self-centered and that’s all I needed to know. For the time-being at least. And for every vow I made, it never lasted long enough to see any significant change in my character. That means, you can add another flaw to my character, irresolution.

There’s an easy way out of all of these. I can choose to be all cooped-up and distant myself from others. You’ll live peacefully and will never know of my existence, hence will never be acquainted with my self-proclaimed evil smart-mouth. But I can’t, for the good of my soul(if there’s any left), I can’t.

Nobody likes a tyke, I don’t like a tyke. In fact, I don’t like obnoxious, seemingly all-knowing jerks, which I sometimes tend to morph into. One of my friends once said to me, “people like you cannot survive for long”.

And I was pissed. I did not ask further, like, ” and by ‘long’, is it a month? a year? or a millennium?” because under normal circumstances, I would. I’m open to attacks easily, like that. This got me thinking, deep. A part of me wanted to challenge that statement by remaining the way I am and see if I would outlive her. Whereas the other part of me, was still pissed and couldn’t see what’s wrong with myself. Until this moment, I still couldn’t get what she meant by ‘people like you’.

It did play in my mind, some random thoughts, like “Well, what about you? Who are you to say that about me?”, “what is wrong with ME?”, “is this what a friend would tell me?”. I was tempted to throw out the first thought, but it’s so kiddy-like and it’s not a classy come-back at all. But in the back of my mind, I’ve always known I’m difficult and partly agree that I wouldn’t last long, too. And I didn’t throw anything back at her, it was a weak moment, I’ve been hit spot-on. To the second thought, I’m going to try my luck at pin-pointing them along the way, as I grow older. Hopefully, I’m good at pin-pointing and seeing myself from another point of view. And to the third thought, it doesn’t matter whether she is a friend or not, I appreciate the honesty and bluntness(because if I can be blunt, I’d expect myself to take some blows too and not hold grudges). In that sense, I would say she is a friend. I think she held those words back for quite some time now, too. Never too late, never a wrong time for these honesties.

Finally, I should start at this moment itself to make a change. The small step would be by thinking twice before saying or doing anything. I will have to ask myself “what are the consequences?”, “is it worth the trouble?”, and “is this what I would do?” before anything huge now, to keep me from spiraling down the dark abyss of my friend’s little prophecy.