Not Fun Anymore

Once, somebody told me that people like me will not live long. And I was pissed to hear that, at that time. But this wasn’t a person to say things like that, even out of spite. So, it got me thinking. (and I’ve even blogged about it –can’t bother to find that particular post, sorry)

Anyway, I think I might have the answer already now.

My priorities. They are not what others might consider priorities. And I will end up pursuing pointless things. Chasing the wind. Chasing things that are of no interest or benefit, that no good might come out of them. But funny enough, I don’t do things that’ll provide no returns.

So, that’s why people like me die young.

And other times, I think too much.

I wish I could just be dumb, to have no expectations from others, have no dreams, have no wants and no obligations.

Of course, I’m blessed to be actually given a chance to study. Most probably belong to upper-middle class of the working force, a few years after graduation. Earning enough to do whatever I fancy.

Right now, I lack the determination to study. Dangerous times to be occupied by thoughts like these, actually.

I hate that I have to have a carrot dangled in front of me to get me going. Superficial or not, the promise of the trip to Japan actually kinda worked. But this time, there’s nothing at the end of the line except the same old bullshit of “graduate, with good cgpa and get into a good company”.

I want out. The will to fight is not there anymore. But I really wish I still have it.

I don’t give a damn about how much smarter than me you are anymore. Damn.

To go to sleep pissing mad and wake up the next morning still pissing mad.

Sleeping has always been the remedy for me. I’d go to sleep if I were hungry, if I were gravely in need to pee when I was a kid stuck in the backseat during a traffic jam, and to get ride of the anger after every fight.

But this time, it didn’t make any difference for me.

Woke up cursing and was having a foul mood for the rest of the day.

Stupid accident.

Really, I don’t think it’s a big deal, I don’t really want to think about it, but I just want the punch the old bugger’s worn face.

But it was MY mistake.

God, I couldn’t be more preposterous than this.

I should’ve been punching my own face.

…prefer that I be more serious a person?

It’s time to grow up.

I can only syok sendiri for so long.

It would really be a milestone for me to put on a straight face and look like I’m thinking deep most of the time.

I need to know if my jokes are funny.

I need to know if you have been annoyed/hurt by anything I’ve said.

Or anything that I’ve done.

I need to know what kind of person I am, the way you see it.

I need to know if I’m an emo person because I don’t like emo people.

I need to know if I should get on with my life, do something for myself, lose some weight, get a boyfriend, wear some pretty dresses, learn walking in heels and be a ‘girl’. Because I do plan to at least experience these to find out if I can accept it.

I need to know if I should just stay this way.

Procrastinating, wondering and never getting on with anything.